TOLEDO, OH—Describing how the child entered a state of complete mental serenity free from any stress or anxiety as soon as he closed the flaps of the large shipping carton over him, sources confirmed Thursday that sitting inside his cardboard box is the safest local 6-year-old Kyle Wolfe will feel for the remainder of his life.
PARKVILLE, MD—Disappointed by the recent decrease in the frequency of new threads as well as a seeming influx of uneducated new users, local man and Sandy Hook regular Brett Patchke complained Tuesday about the site’s notable decline in discussion quality.
NEW ORLEANS—Explaining that casually dropping the little-known fact into conversations “never gets old,” local man Derek Matheson told reporters Monday he always gets a bit of a rush from informing others that John Lennon physically abused his first wife, Cynthia Powell.
EDMOND, OK—Admitting that the repeated attempts to meddle in their lives were really starting to grate on them, local couple Alice and Richard Bloom told reporters Thursday they were sick of their 31-year-old son constantly trying to set them up with other middle-aged parents.
BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 19.
APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.
CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin Mc Manus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
GRESHAM, OR—Poking his head into every room just to be safe, local man Kevin Lorgen reportedly checked his entire apartment Friday to make sure no one else was home before recording a song into his laptop.
FRANKFORT, KY—Displaying nearly forgotten ghosts from his past like a hazy window through time, the list of names appearing on local resident Paul Thurman’s Gchat sidebar read like a catalog of the man’s former lives and identities, the 27-year-old graphic designer reported Wednesday.
LURAY, VA—Beaming with pride after he slotted the final turkey sandwich into place, local dad Steve Fowler’s eyes reportedly welled up Friday at the sight of a perfectly packed cooler for the family’s weekend trip to the beach.
BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.