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I’m not entirely sure what they meant, but it made me think about my own insecurities around being alone.

You’d think being poly would mean that you’ve always got someone, even if you break up with one person, you’ve probably still got another one or more to spend time with and love. Each of my relationships is a seperate discreet thing.

Poly for me doesn’t mean I just have a bigger pool of love to swim in, it means I have two or more different pools with different temperatures and amenities and the loss of one is heartbreaking even though I still have the other, different, ones.

I don’t think I could do solo poly where there’s no ‘core’ or ‘base’ partner as M is to me – I will admit that having that marriage and commitment there is reassuring – but I am equally committed to S, just in a different way that doesn’t involve legalities and certificates.

I wonder if that need for a ‘core’ partner is down to my insecurities and fear of being abandoned and left with no one.

I love M and I love S – those loves don’t impinge on each other and I love them each for who they are.

I had a talk with S last night after weekend plans went spectacularly wrong (although with hindsight LARPing in a muddy field in the midst of Storm Katie would have probably been more of a disaster) and I managed to say entirely the wrong things. Not of losing one person I was dating, but of losing S himself.

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